What is it like being stalked?

I wrote this on 12th March 1997.  Warning; it may be distressing to some.

This is just so hard to answer, because the most powerful words cannot express the sheer fear, helplessness, anger, frustration and turmoil that you can go through every single day, from the time you wake up until the time you go to sleep, if sleep is possible.

The stalker’s objective is power.  They are sad people who have an inadequacy in life.  If they know they can have power over someone else, this gives them a good feeling, especially when they become the whole reason for this person’s actions and words, so the best thing would be to ignore that sad little person.  Unfortunately, it’s not possible.  It’s also not acceptable to have to put up with what they’re doing – and their Rights.

In the beginning, I questioned my sanity because nothing was actually happening; if that makes sense.  Why would any normal person want to question every time they see a ‘friend’ in places they go?  Why would anyone question every single ‘phone call that was not a friend or acquaintance, any post or circular that was out of the ordinary?   This is how it begins and becomes so much a way of life that this is normal behaviour for a stalking victim, even when the stalker is locked up.

If you can remember the last horror or thriller you saw on TV, on your own.  You are sitting in the dark watching it….even the music sounds frightening….your heart is in your mouth, hairs on the back of your neck stand to attention, sweat is pouring out of pores…your adrenaline has gone into overdrive.  There is a knot in your stomach waiting for something to happen on the screen.

The problem is, for a victim, that is what real life is like, magnified a million times, EVERY TIME the ‘phone rings, EVERY TIME the post comes through the door, EVERY TIME you want to go outside, EVERY TIME you start your car up and press the brakes and if you see someone following you in your rear view mirror for more than 2 roads.  If a ‘strange’ car is parked nearby, if you receive a bouquet of flowers, when there is a call at work asking for you, when there is a wrong number…and so on….  EVERY LITTLE THING is questioned; what you might take for granted, stalking victims can’t; everyday incidents are absolute terror.  Every bit of life is an exam; will you pass or fail?    That knot in your stomach is a permanent resident preventing you from eating or sleeping.

Back to watching the thriller…Something sudden happens on screen, you jump out of your skin, breathless.  Then something falls off a shelf near you.  You are then clinging to the ceiling in sheer terror.  Keep that feeling; that is what it is like when a stalking victim realises there is ‘no-one’ on the end of the ‘phone, only breathing or background noises.  You recognise the car behind you, you recognise the driver, the flowers/letters have suspicious handwriting/messages.  The ‘wrong number’ at work was not, but someone asking for a name only you might recognise (a relative or friend).

The stalker has won if they completely worm their way into every nook and cranny of your life, more to the point, into your way of thinking.  As much as you don’t want it to, you have to think like this to survive. When you wake up; is anything going to happen today?  Will I check my brakes before going out in the car?  Will there be any sinister post or calls?  How will I react?  I’ll try not to react in the way they want me to.  Will I get run off the road?  If I cross the road, I must make sure there are no cars around all all, just in case.  Will I be stabbed in broad daylight?  Will they shoot me, then shoot themselves?  Will I get through the day?  Will all my family get through the day?

When you get home of an evening, you have two options.  One is, if you are going out, that’s another terror ride.  Or stay in- a good option.  Discussion with the family on whether or not all the incidents of the day were really co-incidence or whether they were the contrived work of another.  The only thing you feel fit for is nothing.  Too exhausted to do anything, you sit in front of the TV, just ‘vegging’, and of course wondering if anyone is outside watching or waiting… Wondering, if you go to bed to try and sleep, will anything happen in the night?  Should you be on guard, just in case?  Everything you had planned to do; simple things like the ironing, writing a letter, ‘phoning a friend get put off until the next night when you might just have some energy.  Trouble is, something might happen tomorrow so you’ll end up having to disrupt your day to relive it for the police, let everyone know what is happening/has happened, and feel even more drained than today.

Some days are down days.  When you feel the victim, you are.  Why me?  Why can’t someone do something?  Why didn’t I do something sooner?  When can’t I get on with my life?  Why do I have to take so much care?  Why have I no energy?  Why can’t I eat or sleep properly?  Why do I have to take these wretched pills to function?  I can’t cope anymore.  Why don’t I just give up, it would make it so much easier?  I am not living my life now.  I exist around another evil person’s actions and whims.  WHY? WHY? WHY?

 

(c) Copyright Tracey Morgan 2008